Don't Be Afraid
♥ ~Ash~ ♥
(Side note: the setting could be present day or past, which ever you prefer. I did that on purpose)
"I can't." I tell him again. He doesn't say anything. A showdown of silence.
"You love me." It was not a question, but a fact we both held dear in our hearts. I answered anyway.
"I do." It was not a lie.
"Then why?" he asked, furious. "Why can't you let go, come with me? Be happy?"
"I am happy." This wasn't completely a lie. I was . . . Okay, before Evan. And I am happy now because I'm with him. I am always happy when I'm with Evan.
"Really happy." I couldn't argue with that, though. More silence
* * *
Once I was born, my parents had betrothed me to another baby, a boy born on the same day. His parents and mine had been old friends forever and both incredibly wealthy. If they could connect their families, together they would be the richest and most powerful family.
Our parents had been very smart about how we saw each other. They made sure we were always alone except for themselves, so we grew up with only our parents. So when we met each other, it was a miracle. They kept our time together short, always leaving us unsatisfied and craving more. The boy, Carter, became my escape and I him. As we grew older, he fell in love with me, although I always thought of him as my best friend. He had always shown his affection; opening doors, buying me dresses and jewelry, even teaching me how to ride a horse. My mother had be completely against that, saying it was unlady-like, and unbecoming, but I didn't care. That might have been why Carter was so eager to help too. Just a little taste of rebellion.
But when Carter proposed, I was shocked. I hadn't know about the betrothal although I shortly found out. But most of all, I had never thought of him like that, and never realized that he did. I had thought he was just being a gentleman, and a good friend. Besides, I had never met anyone my age but him. How would I know what love felt like?
But I couldn't say no. Not to my escape, my best friend turned fiance. He had never denied me anything, so who would I be to do that to him? Once I said yes, every door in the world opened. I could go anywhere, do anything, and most of all, meet everyone.
And I did.
When the traders came to town, I went to meet them too. And that is where I met Evan. He was standing outside of a stall that had someone who looked related, maybe his brother, running it. His golden hair glittered brightly in the sunset. It was a strange color; everyone here has black or brown hair. His hair was much lighter than his brother's though, as if his brother had seen more sun. Which made sense, his brother did seem quite a few years older. I was close enough to them that Evan noticed me staring, and looked over. Now, although I have been permitted to go out and meet people, I still have very little experience compared to people who talk and bargain and confuse people in to buying things for a living. So I didn't really know what to do. So I just stood there and stared.
His big green-brown eyes stared back, shocking me. People had always said you could see your soul in your eyes, and now I believed them. His forest colored eyes held more depth than I'd ever seen, as if he had seen more, done more. At least that I was sure of. I was certain that he had whole worlds of experience and memories that I never would.
He walked over to me, and said hello. Luckily I had enough sense to say hello back.
"What are you doing all the way out here? It's going to get dark soon." he asked.
"I'm just exploring," I said back, trying to sound vague, unsure if I really should trust him. He was a stranger anyway. "What are you doing?"
"Trying to sell some junk with my brother, Alec. Why?"
"Curiosity. And you were just standing there. Why is it junk?" I ask, and we start walking over towards the stall.
"If it doesn't sell, that must mean nobody wants it, right?" he asks.
"Or the right people haven't come along."
"But usually, right?"
"Okay, sure." I agree.
"And what is it that people don't want?" I catch on to his idea.
"Oh, I get it. Junk."
"Exactly." he says, smiling. I can't help but smile back.
"Are you calling my products junk?" A booming voice echos, coming from the older brother, Alec. The younger brother laughs, and sits on an empty space on the counter.
"Maybe. What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing now, not with a potential customer already staring at us like we're crazy," Alec says this in a hushed voice, but he is so loud at a regular pitch, that even quieted, I can still hear him. Then he turns the conversation on me. "Would you like to look around?"
I didn't really know where around was, since it was just a stall. But I came closer, and look at all the things on the table. Most of them did really look like junk, homemade figures and jewelry and such. But there were many beautiful paintings and drawing that caught my eye.
"Who made these?" I asked, pointing towards them.
"I did," The younger brother replied, then pointed towards the corner of one of the paintings. "See?" he asked. There was a tight signature scrawled right above his finger. Before I could protest he grabbed a drawing, flipped it over, pulled a pencil out of his pocket and wrote the exact same name. Evan.
"Tada." He said, then erased it and flipped the picture back over.
"These are amazing!" I said, still trying to drink them all in.
"Yes, that's all very nice, but if you're not going to buy anything, you'd better leave soon. It's getting dark." Alec was right. As I glanced out the doorway, I saw the sun dip below the ocean. Everyone's shadows disappeared, and it seemed to get just a little colder.
"May I walk you home?" Evan asked. I couldn't think of a reason to say no. He seemed friendly, and certainly very nice.
"Sure."
And so he walked me home, and as we walked, we talked. Once I was home, I was alone. Carter had gone home to his parents after dinner. I would move in with them after we were married. I was struck by a sudden pang of sadness I couldn't understand. I stood there for awhile, untl I realized it. I missed the golden haired, forest eyed boy, Evan. Why, if I just met him, did I miss him?
And why didn't I realize the sadness as longing? I've always missed Carter when he was gone, even now-No. I don't miss Carter right now. I haven't missed him for a long time. Since he proposed. Since I gained my freedom. I no longer needed my escape, not with the world out my front door. I'd outgrown my best friend.
"Argh!" I yelled out loud. 'What am I going to do?' I couldn't help but think. There really was only one thing to do. I went to bed.
"I am really happy, because I'm with you." I say, coming to the present. It is the trader's last day. We stand on the dock next to the ship, and the ocean seems to be pulling us into it. Wind whips my hair into my face, and sea and salt have drenched my clothes. Our parents had been very smart about how we saw each other. They made sure we were always alone except for themselves, so we grew up with only our parents. So when we met each other, it was a miracle. They kept our time together short, always leaving us unsatisfied and craving more. The boy, Carter, became my escape and I him. As we grew older, he fell in love with me, although I always thought of him as my best friend. He had always shown his affection; opening doors, buying me dresses and jewelry, even teaching me how to ride a horse. My mother had be completely against that, saying it was unlady-like, and unbecoming, but I didn't care. That might have been why Carter was so eager to help too. Just a little taste of rebellion.
But when Carter proposed, I was shocked. I hadn't know about the betrothal although I shortly found out. But most of all, I had never thought of him like that, and never realized that he did. I had thought he was just being a gentleman, and a good friend. Besides, I had never met anyone my age but him. How would I know what love felt like?
But I couldn't say no. Not to my escape, my best friend turned fiance. He had never denied me anything, so who would I be to do that to him? Once I said yes, every door in the world opened. I could go anywhere, do anything, and most of all, meet everyone.
And I did.
When the traders came to town, I went to meet them too. And that is where I met Evan. He was standing outside of a stall that had someone who looked related, maybe his brother, running it. His golden hair glittered brightly in the sunset. It was a strange color; everyone here has black or brown hair. His hair was much lighter than his brother's though, as if his brother had seen more sun. Which made sense, his brother did seem quite a few years older. I was close enough to them that Evan noticed me staring, and looked over. Now, although I have been permitted to go out and meet people, I still have very little experience compared to people who talk and bargain and confuse people in to buying things for a living. So I didn't really know what to do. So I just stood there and stared.
His big green-brown eyes stared back, shocking me. People had always said you could see your soul in your eyes, and now I believed them. His forest colored eyes held more depth than I'd ever seen, as if he had seen more, done more. At least that I was sure of. I was certain that he had whole worlds of experience and memories that I never would.
He walked over to me, and said hello. Luckily I had enough sense to say hello back.
"What are you doing all the way out here? It's going to get dark soon." he asked.
"I'm just exploring," I said back, trying to sound vague, unsure if I really should trust him. He was a stranger anyway. "What are you doing?"
"Trying to sell some junk with my brother, Alec. Why?"
"Curiosity. And you were just standing there. Why is it junk?" I ask, and we start walking over towards the stall.
"If it doesn't sell, that must mean nobody wants it, right?" he asks.
"Or the right people haven't come along."
"But usually, right?"
"Okay, sure." I agree.
"And what is it that people don't want?" I catch on to his idea.
"Oh, I get it. Junk."
"Exactly." he says, smiling. I can't help but smile back.
"Are you calling my products junk?" A booming voice echos, coming from the older brother, Alec. The younger brother laughs, and sits on an empty space on the counter.
"Maybe. What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing now, not with a potential customer already staring at us like we're crazy," Alec says this in a hushed voice, but he is so loud at a regular pitch, that even quieted, I can still hear him. Then he turns the conversation on me. "Would you like to look around?"
I didn't really know where around was, since it was just a stall. But I came closer, and look at all the things on the table. Most of them did really look like junk, homemade figures and jewelry and such. But there were many beautiful paintings and drawing that caught my eye.
"Who made these?" I asked, pointing towards them.
"I did," The younger brother replied, then pointed towards the corner of one of the paintings. "See?" he asked. There was a tight signature scrawled right above his finger. Before I could protest he grabbed a drawing, flipped it over, pulled a pencil out of his pocket and wrote the exact same name. Evan.
"Tada." He said, then erased it and flipped the picture back over.
"These are amazing!" I said, still trying to drink them all in.
"Yes, that's all very nice, but if you're not going to buy anything, you'd better leave soon. It's getting dark." Alec was right. As I glanced out the doorway, I saw the sun dip below the ocean. Everyone's shadows disappeared, and it seemed to get just a little colder.
"May I walk you home?" Evan asked. I couldn't think of a reason to say no. He seemed friendly, and certainly very nice.
"Sure."
And so he walked me home, and as we walked, we talked. Once I was home, I was alone. Carter had gone home to his parents after dinner. I would move in with them after we were married. I was struck by a sudden pang of sadness I couldn't understand. I stood there for awhile, untl I realized it. I missed the golden haired, forest eyed boy, Evan. Why, if I just met him, did I miss him?
And why didn't I realize the sadness as longing? I've always missed Carter when he was gone, even now-No. I don't miss Carter right now. I haven't missed him for a long time. Since he proposed. Since I gained my freedom. I no longer needed my escape, not with the world out my front door. I'd outgrown my best friend.
"Argh!" I yelled out loud. 'What am I going to do?' I couldn't help but think. There really was only one thing to do. I went to bed.
* * *
From then on, I spent my time with Evan. He told me stories and faerie tales from all the places he'd been as a trader. He told me he'd become a trader with his brother because he wanted to see the world and travel to far away places and have adventures. He told me jokes everyday that made me laugh. He sang me songs he'd learned, some in other languages. I learned his favorites and sang along. He taught me how to draw.
I'd never really know how to do it before. He showed me how to angle people's faces, and how to get their expresssions right. We often drew each other.
Everything was great, until he asked the question that shattered it all.
"Do you love me?" I went silent. It was midday, and the traders were always the busiest at this time, but it seemed like the whole world just slowed down. It was just me and Evan, everything else silent and frozen around us.
"I'm getting married." I say, dodging the question. We are sitting behind his brother's trading tent, where we are often exiled after Evan begins to thrust his painting and pictures at random people to try to find a buyer. I tried to offer them money, but both of them refused my 'charity', saying it wasn't right and they could earn their money on their own. I think they're being stupid.
"But you don't love him." he didn't say it like a question. I'd told Evan how I really felt about Carter, along with everything else. And it is true, I really don't love Carter. I don't know if I love Evan though.
"What do you think love is?' I asked Evan. He blinked, as if surprised by my answer. Evan frowned as he thought.
"I think that love is the strongest bond, the one that hurts the most when you cut it. It's a bond so strong that you can't stand to be away from someone you love. Not for very long."
"Then . . ." I start, but don't finish. I'm not sure I want to.
"You don't love Carter." Once again, this isn't a question, but it deserves an answer.
"No. He's my best friend, but I don't love him the way he loves me."
"Do you love me, then?" Evan asks very quietly. I suddenly realize how very close we are, both sitting on our knees. And now Evan has leaned forward, his hands on the soft dirt on either side of me. Our faces are inches apart, and I can feel his breath on my face, shaky and worried. I realize he's as much afraid of the answer as I am.
"I think so."
And very carefully, eyes watching me as he does, he leans in and kisses me. We are safe in this quiet world where it is just us, and for the first time, I want only to be in one place, with one person. His lips are soft against my own, and suddenly we are impossibly close. My arms incircle his neck, and pull me closer. His hand reaches for my face, cradling me with the other around my waist.
And suddenly we are no longer two people, but one. We have been joined by this one event, as if the whole Earth has changed in just one second. I can't help thinking that nothing is better than this. We are both equals, each givers and receivers of love. And it's so different than Carter. Because although Carter gives me all his love, I can neither take it or offer him my own.
But now, there is nothing more I could ever ask for.
"Thank you." I whisper, and we pull each other closer.
* * *
"But this isn't the way it's supposted to be. Your parents don't decide your destiny! You have your own will! You have your own life! Please." Evan yells so I can hear him over the storm, but at the end he steps towards me until we are too close to not touch. He is whispering in my ear, begging now.
"This isn't the life my parents wanted for me. I have to trust them. I love you more than I will every love Carter, but I can't betray him after all he's given me. You've given me so much more, and that's why I know you'll let me go. You'll let me betray you, because you love me more."
"Don't be afraid." Evan just barely whispers in my ear, his breath warming my cold skin. I shiver and pull back slightly.
"I'm sorry." I whisper back, and then crush my lips to his. I burn this in my mind, the feel of him against me. His lips on mine, hand in my hair, my hand on his neck. As I pull away, I see tears fall from his eyes. Evan pulls me back, and our tears meet when our cheeks touch.
"I love you. So much." his voice is thick, and more tears come with his words. I know I have to hurry, or I'll never be able to leave.
"I love you." I say
I turn and walk away. And I never look back.
* * *
Evan was right about three things.
1. I loved him. Even when I hadn't been sure, he had known. And I loved him more than anyone I ever met in my entire life.
2. Love is the hardest bond to cut. So I never did. I never stopped loving him, and I never loved anyone the way I loved him, or as much.
3. He knew I was afraid. He didn't want me to be, but I was. I was afraid of what people would think, or what my parents or Carter would think. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle living on the road, traveling and trading. I was afraid that my parents and Carter wouldn't let me go, that they would lock me up, and I'd never see the sun again.
But most of all, I was afraid to leave what I knew for what I loved.
Don't Be Afraid
These are amazing ashley!.(:
ReplyDelete-Angelica
Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you like them!
♥ ~Ash